Saturday, October 25, 2008

How Have I lived Without U

I really dunno how ive lived without u
Three years is a long time
I loved u so much and I don’t think ill love any other d same way

Three years ago, I thot ild probably die if anything ever happened to u

I remember our last dance
didn’t know it was going to b d last, but cherished every moment of it cos it meant u were happy and didn’t care bout ur illness at that time.

I remember the time u had hypoglycemia and went into a coma right before our very eyes…
How my mum drove really fast and took u to the hospital. How we cried our eyes out outside the emergency room. 
How I prayed day and night for u to get well soon
How I was losing my mind.
How u had to be flown in a helicopter to St. Nicholas Hospital.

I remember u coming back home two weeks later saying u didn’t even know wat happened or didn’t even feel any pain which made u start talking bout death and how unaware u were.

I remember when I offered to give u one of my kidneys
U turned d offer down.
If I had to do it all again, ii wouldn’t even give it a second thot.

U had 3 kidney transplants, 2 in India nd one in St. Nicholas
I remember the day after u came from the hospital,
Armed robbers came to the house nd threw boxes on u even though u told them u just had an operation.
The best they could tell u to do was to lie on the bed and they kept throwing boxes on u.

I remember when the kidneys failed and u had to go for dialysis every week.
That was when I told u in secret I wanted to give u mine.
I pleaded nd pleaded like I was the one who needed it nd was suffering
U declined.

I remember plucking out ur grey hairs with tweezers
It seemed like such a task then, but now I miss doing dat.

I remember the first time I saw u cry.
It was when my brother was leaving for school after he had come for his first holiday since he left.
How u loved him so much!

U loved us all the same, but I was the one who u carried all the time

How can I forget the bed time stories????
Those that ur mother told u when u were little.
How u made sure u never repeated some nd when u did, we never failed to tell u.

How u usually wake my sister up in the night to cook for u when u were hungry or ur blood sugar was low.

How much of a good cook u were.
My friends always came to visit us, having in mind dat u cooked ur special delicacies every Saturday cos we were always home from school nd u were always home from hospital.

I remember the first time I saw u in the dialysis unit… I cried my eyes out.

I remember the time the doctors in Nigeria said u had cancer.
My mum was too scared to tell u instead took u for general check up in London and they saw absolutely nothing like cancer.
Dat was when she told u and u got back to the Hospital in Nigeria nd cursed the living hell outta the doctor.

50% of the time, u were battling one ilness or the other. Travelling up and down

U made me grow up really fast.
Giving u shots of insulin from time to time to help regulate ur glucose level.

I remember u used to go against doctors orders nd eat all the native foods nd then u start itching.

I remember u looked older dan ur age nd every one thot u were my mums father nd not her husband.

I remember u saying u were tired of it all but ull stay here cos of us and my mum.

I remember the last time I saw u.
I wish I had seen u in a better condition.
I remember, u were in the Intensive Care Unit.
Everyone was crying.
We had to be taken out unless im sure I would’ve passed out.

My mum had to go back with us cos we drove down to lagos but she flew back the next morning

I remember the day u died.
My grandmother was staying with us cos u nd mum were in Lagos.
I had just finished holding ur picture nd crying cos I missed u. It was 7pm then
My aunty visited nd I remember asking her if ur drugs had come from India and how u were.
She said u were fine. She left nd came back 5 minutes l8r
She then said everybody should sit down.
At dat moment, it dawned on me.
She then told us dat we must b expecting to hear this.
We were then glad dat u had gotten better nd probably coming back home.

She then said u were dead.
She tried to be strong but she wept.
My grandmother wept immediately.
One of my sisters vomited, the other just looked outside.

I just sat on the floor and kept thinking.
Thots flooded my head.
I thot I was dead
I was going crazy
I didn’t cry
I couldn’t cry
I was just in denial.
I never thot id react this way
I never thot u were going to die so I didn’t ever think of my reaction.

The man dat used to carry me.
The man dat took care of me like no other.
Where is dat man??????

Dead? How can. It isn’t possible.

I refused to believe. I just kept saying “what is happening!”

I was in a trance.

I came out from it.

I sang a song dat we used to sing together. I would sing asking him if he’s okay.
He’d sing telling me he’s okay.

I sang and sang and no one replied.
I tried to believe it was cos he was in lagos.

Pple thot I had gone mad cos I refused to cry.

I kept singing and then it dawned on me dat, he was never going to sing back. NEVER!!!!
That was when I broke down nd wept.
I wept.
I wept, not like im weeping now, but like ive never wept in my life.

I cried for hours.

My mum returned the next day.
We refused to eat, they forced me, I vomited and kept vomiting after every meal.

News had already spread, so many people visited.

Pple who had parents nd spouses and all came to say “I understand wat u r going through”
Understand wat???????

U cannot understand when u havent been in my position.
U cannot understand when u havent felt this much pain.

I ate only for survival, like a spoon of food nd lots of water.
I looked like a corpse.
Anorexic models didn’t have anything on me then
I lost a lot of weight.

Everyone was stressing on how to break the news to my brother.
My mums friend in London had to.
When he was told, he said he knew already cos pple who didn’t call him usually started calling him, asking bout him, he knew sumtin was up.

He waited everyday by his fone.
Waiting for my dad to call around the time he usually does.
When he wouldn’t receive any fone call, he still hoped..

He also dreamt my dad came back to life.
He believed it was gonna happen.

He waited and waited.
On the burial day, he still waited for it to happen.
He realised it wasn’t going to happen when he was lowered 6ft under.
My brother rested his head on my back and for the first time since forever, he wept. My back was soaked with his tears,

He had mad love for my father nd d feeling was mutual.
My dad loved him like no other.
My dad made us believe he loved us all the same but u could tell the love between him nd my brother was a special one.
His only son from my mother.

Moving on hasn’t been easy.
I dream of him sometimes and always have the same conversation with him
I never see him sick, always the healthy man I knew years ago.
I always tell him “I thot u died. Y did u die?”
He always replies “I didn’t die. Im resting . Cant u see how good I look?”

Im glad u r resting.Im glad mum is trying her best to make u proud.
Im glad u were in my life. Afterall, I wouldn’t have loved u if I didn’t know u.

Couldn’t really share the whole story cos summarising the past 10yrs or more of my life will be a novel.