Friday, August 1, 2008


I got my nails done recently. My aunty, L got me to do it cos she did hers. She feels we look alike (WE DONT AT ALL) and cos of dat, she always wants us to do stuff together. I’m even gonna be her CBM(Chief Bridesmaid/Maid of honour) at her wedding sometime this year.Im so happy she's getting married. i met the best man already and he told her (my aunty) dat she made the right choice choosing me as her "CBM"(thanx to oluwadee). The BM got my number on the day of my aunties introduction and it has been love talk since then.

"PL" i can see u r hissing like a woman there. mcheew!. Click here to enlarge pic. u know im new here.

Hope y'all love my nails oooo. yes. na by force!!!. The scar on one of my fingers was from one of our area movements, the ringing of bottles on the heads of people when fuck up. lol.

Anyways back to the main post. Since i was little, we've always had maids. the very first set of maids i can remember were very cruel. Cant really remember the whole story though but i can remember some events dat took place. 

Agnes and Jacinta (real names) were always at loggerheads. Agnes was the nanny to take care of I and my brother while Jacinta was the nanny to take care of my two sisters and my step sister who was staying with us then. My mum and dad were never home so they always got to do whatever they wanted. I remember i used to always want to bite my nanny's breasts(not boobs) whenever she was changing. Not like i was deprived of breast milk oo. i think i should put up my baby pic so u can see how healthy i was. 

One day, my bro was performing some of stone cold's(y'all can remember him right?)moves we just watched on wrestle mania on me. we were taking it in turns and we'll fight with all our strength but my bro always beat s**t outta all of us combined. He was the only boy so he never had any other to play with so we were used as objects to let out his frustration( i think).

My sister then ran into the room to alert us that a battle had ensued between the two maids, after a heated argument.we then rushed to the scene. My brother and sisters left for the room, leaving me there.Filled with awe, i gazed at both of them. Clothes started flying off. Jacinta was beating Agnes mercilessly. They were fighting behing the washing machine. im still amazed how i can remember this.

All of a sudden, Agnes screamed "Naija Idol, Naija Idol bottle bottle". I dunno wat pushed me but i went to the kitchen store and got her a brown bottle(probably maltina or sumtin). From a safe distance, i stretched out my hands and gave her the bottle.she was already braless when i gave her the bottle. The next thing i heard was the sound of the broken bottle.Immediately, me and my big head ran away. i went to tell my bro and sisters but they couldnt care less. They were having their own royal rumble there. Wetin una want make i do. I joined in the battle against my brother.I dont know how they stopped fighting, but i think they got tired when they noticed that we were too little and didnt care(i did) if they died. 

When my dad came, i was the first to run and I told him what happened, including the part that i gave her a bottle (i nor get sense then na). Immediately, my dad sent them packing.

Our next maid, her name was Bridget( real name). The dry cleaner Akpan across the road was her boyfriend. We caught them making out once. She was okay, except for the fact that she wouldnt give us food if we didnt call her mummy. We did wat we had to do.One day, we all planned/agreed dat we were nto gonna call her mummy again. they all put me, with my big head at the forefront. I then ran to her and shouted "Bridget!!! I want food now". she beat me nearly die. My siblings ran away and my sister rode her bike (BMX 2000) to my dad's office. 

The Door bell rang and my dad came in and asked wat had happened. I then narrated wat had happened with some salt and pepper added to the story. i then went behind my dad. My dad scolded her and we all laughed and started making faces. I then started the "good for u" face. u know the one where u use ur index finger and drag ur cheeks down. what is it called in English Language. Blogville help a sister out. My dad then sent her packing.

it was a norm for my mum to come back and be told that my dad has sent "her househelp" packing. All she had to do was to get another one

After Bridget was Monsurat. Monsurat was a real village girl. she was put in Pry 2 when she came. She was one of the oldest in her class. the first term, seh came 1st, second term 1st and third term "1nd". she was just too dumb. Due to boyfriends dat she started having in school, she came 22nd. the cancelled the 2 in front and changed the last 2 to 1 and left the "nd". my mum then went to her school and found out that it was 22nd and she changed it. She was sent packing after she started stealing

After Monsurat was Comfort. Comfort was calabar(no offence to calabar peeps). she had difficulties expressing herself cos she couldn’t really speak English Language. The only thing we understood was when she explained what happened to her neck. Comfort was light skinned(thanks to bleaching cream) and her neck was green. when asked by my sis wat happened to her neck, she said dat cockroach ate her neck. That was/is the most irritating thing ive seen in my life. Comforts neck made us lose weight. We didn’t ever eat her food and when we managed to eat, if she ever passed when we were eating, I and my sisters will look at each other, go under the dining table, throw up and put the food back on the plate. we never ate because anytime she gave us food, she always passed to go into the kitchen to do one thing or the other and we kept throwing up all teh time. The final straw that broke the camels back was one morning when we called her for morning devotion. she refused to wake up. She was probably depressed due to our reaction to her neck. Me and my two sisters were now the madams of the house because my brother had gone to high school in London and my stepsister had gone back to her mothers house. 

We then went to her room to drag her up. she didn’t budge. we then went to the living room to get cushions and pillows. we went back to her room and beat the living hell outta her. I was shouting "Comfort! (conc naija accent) i tell u to come pray u nor come eh? u go c urself today". all of a sudden, she got up and started fighting back. all our weapons were exhausted. All the years of training that we got from my bro was not wasted. we fought karate, tae kwon do, jackie chan, any move u can think of. i think we just let out our frustration of the rotten neck on her. we beat her mercilessly. She packed her things immediately and left. When my mum and dad returned, we told them that she refused to pray and she said dat she was tired of our morning devotion (we were little then now. free me abeg).

After comfort was oluchi. Oluchi was a little girl, but her main problem was that she was a BIG THIEF. That girl carry award for stealing. They brought her from the village immediately b4 we left for summer. The first day she came, she used water from the freezer to wash plates cos she thot the tap wasn’t working.

My spirit didn’t really agree with her so we were not that close. She was close to my sister who used to take her everywhere, to places and all. That was probably why she stole only my things and left theirs. When i came back, i got her lovely things from Primark (she go know say na Primark nd yes i shop @ Primark. My papa nor b governor, even if sef). This heartless girl, went ahead to steal my wristwatches, ear rings, PANTIES (as if they will size that her small yansh. she would have probably tied it at the two sides. *hiss*). We only found the panties when my mum was searching her things after she was asked to leave. My mum then asked if i wanted it. eeeew!. Wetin I wan use am for again. At least she can boast that she has la senza or benny dee panties that’s if they even know wat it is in the village. I wan even stone her grab head with the matching bra as if e go size her agbalumo (lemon, lime) breasts. i vex mehnn. Through my investigations, i realised that shee smuggled the stuff out when she was sent to buy something by my folks cos her aunty who brought her, lived nearby. her sister was also taken to be a maid for my grandparents, she insulted my grandparents and absconded with her lover. they later found her and sent her back to the village.

After Oluchi was Nike. Nike was the sexiest housemaid we've ever had. she used to wear all sorts of short skirts, exposed all her breasts and all. Our electrician (a married man) started chasing her. She didn’t like him at all (dunno y).She was very rude and saucy.If that girl hold ground with u eh., u go ask who be madam pikin and who be maid. Nike was sent packing after she confessed to my mum that my aunt’s husband came and was forcing her to sleep with him but she didn’t agree.

.Some men r shameless. My mum had to send her packing cos my aunty is the hot tempered type and anytime she(my aunty) comes to my house, she always screams at Nike cos of her sluggishness. So whenever she shouted at Nike, Nike always rolled her eyes at her. The disrespect was just too much so my mum had to send her away b4 my aunty killed her or my aunty got to find out. Till this day, my aunty still doesnt know bout her husband and Nike.My aunty’s husband has a special case of womanising. I c him around town with some nasty girls. Story for another post.

After Nike was Mama Love. She was an elderly woman, her problem was that she was a nymphomaniac. How do i know this???. She always talked about sex. She can see pomo(cow skin) and she'll tell u it looks like Brocos(d**k). One day, it was raining and she said she was cold. She then proceeded to say in an old squeaky voice; "If na the time when I dey hawk plantain, i for don go house under this rain and me and my husband for dey wariakpo(urhobo word for enjoyment), dey do the action dey go".lol. her exact words. i dont think i can ever forget her

Mama Love was a very nice woman and she made delicious urhobo food. One day, she finished cooking one bad ass Banga Soup, heated in the native pot for my dad. Me being the long the long throat I am, joined in the food. My dad then called her to tell her to take the fish from the soup and put it in the microwave cos it wasnt hot. I must say dat naija idol's family be thermo cool. we love hot food wiith lots of pepper and spice.

So Mama Love came and put her hands into the food, collected the fish and carried it in her hands to the kitchen. I and my dad lost appetite. My Dad then called up my step brother to come from his house and eat. the guy munched the food down. He was amazed at my dads generosity and he called me to ask wat happened to the food dat my dat left it with fish.i just told him that he just lost his appetite cos he waited for the food for too long. Mama Love got tired of the job and left.

The next one was a cook. he used all my dads dry fish to cook pepper soup. He also used onions to cook pepper soup. My dad sent him packing the day he resumed work and paid him N500. Urhobo men!!!.lol

We've had so many other cooks, maids, nannies too numerous to mention...

P.S: Thanx LG for asking of my mum. she is fine although she lets out her frustration on me these days. Shell work nor easy. I love her to death.

Special thanx to ynot! for Mogbono feli felizing me. That song is the s**t.

Thanx everyone for stopping by. Really appreciate it.